Riding the Self-Doubt Roller Coaster

Whoever said roller coasters are fun must be full of shit. Okay, they are. But I’m talking in the metaphorical sense here, not the ones that are full of screams, adrenaline and an overpriced picture of said enjoyment as you exit the ride. Instead I’m referring to that fickle beast we call Hollywood.

For those who know me personally, they know what a ride I’ve been on for the past 18 months. There’s been highs, lows and a lot of middle ground. I really can’t go into specifics here based on an NDA that I have, but every day I find a couple new grey hairs mixed in with my beard. The stress is turning my wonderful brown beard into a mix of brown and grey… which really don’t go well together. I don’t have that wonderful salt and pepper look, plus I’m too damn young to be going through this at my age. Or so I think. And don’t even get me started on the ever-receeding hairline. I think it moves back an inch or two every single week. It has to be the stress, right?

I’ve always looked at my time here and have never really second-guessed my decision to move to LA, giving up a home I actually owned and a career that I was good at. I’d be rolling in a six-figure income, probably married with a little Sanford or two in tow. That would have been the ideal Central California life, but it isn’t what I wanted. I’d probably be miserable, maybe even divorced and sending a good chunk of my income to pay for alimony and no longer living in the house I purchased at the young age of 21. Instead I’m living the dream. Or at least trying to.

Yesterday that high I’ve been living on for so long came crashing down around me. I don’t really know why or what could have caused it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. This isn’t the first time that the self-doubt has hit me, but it is the first time I’ve ever been hit so hard by it. I had to drive around in my car for almost an hour to clear my head, to shake loose those thoughts that crept in and wouldn’t let go. Did I shake it all? No, but it isn’t as strong today as it was yesterday.

I just feel at a place of stasis in my personal life and career. There are things I can personally do to move things forward, but I’m at such a place emotionally that I keep second-guessing myself and spiraling deeper down into this state of despair. On the other side of my life (yes, I know I’m being vague) there is really nothing I can do but wait. The waiting is what is killing me. It is what is tearing down the other side of my life and making the emotional so strong.

As someone recently put in an email, “I’m loyal to a fault.” Reading that was like getting punched in the gut. I too am too loyal at times. Sometimes I question if I should jump ship, but I’m in so deep that I’m not sure I could properly plant my feet to make the jump. Okay, I’m going too cliche heavy in this post and I should really put a stop to it. I know I could really make the jump if I wanted to, but I have a lot of faith in the decisions I’ve made.

I’ve been offered some other options over the past 18 months and have turned them all down because of faith. No, I’m not talking the religious kind. Instead, I’m talking about the kind for the situation I’m in and the possible outcome that could happen. I’m not trying to manifest some of the Secret into my life, but I have an idea and a vision of where I’d like to be and what I’d like to become. This has come to me over years of personal reflection and lots of boring hours being stuck in an LA commute.

Only time will tell if I’ve made the proper choices in my life. Was it all worth it? Who the fuck knows. All I can say is I’ve grown as a person for the choices I’ve made and if everything comes crashing down, it is no ones fault but my own. Maybe I should stop checking my horoscope, as even it has a better outlook on my situation I’m currently in. If only it could point me in the direction of this so called “significant other” it keeps referring to, maybe I wouldn’t think it is all bullshit.

Hopefully soon I can be less vague in my postings and fill you all in on what decisions I’ve come to. For those who have received my personal rants and discussed the ups and downs with me, I thank you with all my heart. You guys are awesome and I owe you more than you could ever imagine. For those who are concerned and want to know more in the less vague sense, send me an email and I’ll fill you in, if I can.

No matter what, for those who are wanting to pursue your dreams, keep at them. Don’t listen to my emo-filled blog post. There will be ups and downs. I’ve just decided to emotionally release some of my thoughts through vague and cryptic words. To tell you the truth, even though this is pretty much word vomit, I already feel a little better about it.

Keep living the dream…

Until next time…