Discovering the Real Me

Hello everyone, if you came to this page because of the video, I must welcome you.

A little bit of my history and backstory can be found here:

From Zac to Zoey

I recorded this video five weeks into starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy), and by the time it was posted, another six weeks have passed. And while I’m writing this post at the end of the seven week marker, things are only getting better and better. Yes, my emotions are that of a teenage girl, but the physical changes are starting to kick in. If you’ve been following along on IG (#zr365), you’ll see what has changed already in the face, and plenty more changes are still on the horizon.

While at the time of this writing (day 50 of the rest of my life), I’m still presenting male. Partially because I’m still a Sasquatch. The body hair removal is a slow (and really expensive) process, and I’ve really only started laser on my face, which hurts so bad. Electrolysis will start towards the end of March, as the laser can’t kill out the greys, and since I waited so long, I have plenty of those. The body hair is thinning out as the hair cycles replenish, which is a plus, but I’m also doing a little bit of hair removal, and at least it isn’t poking into my clothes by 5 p.m. that evening. Oh how I love hormones. :)

For those who are worried about what pronouns or name to use, do whatever feels comfortable to you for the time being. I’m still Zac, though you can just say Z, or if you feel like it, Zoey will eventually be the name that sticks. I get it, using the original name or male pronouns seems to be easier while I still present in public as a male. I don’t know when the day is that I’ll start going part time, as I still feel so much like a fraud, and I don’t want people going “there goes a dude in a dress.”  Eventually I’ll be full time, considering some physical changes are happening and the fat distribution is already doing its thing.

E and K, I know your big day is coming up at the tail-end of Summer, and no need to worry. No matter how much the external has changed, I will present male at the wedding. It is your day, and I can’t distract from that.

To my parents, I will try to only present as male when I’m around you until full acceptance is there. While I know you’re supportive, when one person transitions, we all transition. This wasn’t the easiest thing to be thrown your way, but I’m appreciative of your willingness to accept your child’s own happiness. I offer this to you until I go full time, as at that point I’ll hopefully be able to pass or come close to passing, and then it would be awkward for me to be in guy mode.

To the friends that thought Chelle and I didn’t date because I was gay? Close, but just a bit off the mark. While I was never a gay male, I am a really a lesbian. I’m glad that you all went to her to ask about me, but you could have come to me directly. Sure, I would have given a little white lie on what I was dealing with, but I just wasn’t ready to come out yet.

To all those who checked in on me when I was posting about therapy and the constant doctor’s visits, I appreciate your concern more than anything. Here’s your answer on what was going on all that time. Transitioning should never be taken lightly, and I must thank my team of my first therapist, Mike; Dr Z who runs an amazing support group for all the amazing Trans Women on the Westside; Melissa, my therapist at the LGBT center; and Dr. Kayla at the LGBT Center. Mike, you held my hands through the first steps, learning along the way, and eventually handing me off so my best interest were treated. Melissa, I love our chats and the help you’ve given in the last couple sessions. And Kayla, your smile and support has been wonderful. I can’t wait until my three month check up so you can see what has already blossomed. And to all the wonderful women in my support group,  I love our monthly meetups.

To those friends and family that knew over the last couple months. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve learned that I’m the exception to the rule when it comes to having a strong support system. So many lose friends, family and jobs by being their true selves. That was my biggest fear on ever coming forward, and I could have hidden this longer, but it was time to stop living a lie. Hell, I’m such a horrible actor, but I’ve been playing a part for the past 30+ years. Almost fucking Oscar-worthy as so many people were shocked when I told them.

To everyone who posted reactions to my photos over the last couple months, I’m glad that the happiness is shining through. The comments of “you look so happy,” “Whatever you’re doing, keep it up,” “What type of pills are you taking? Are you okay, as you seem to be doing better than ever.” While I’m not on any anti-depressants, hormones have had almost a similar affect on my mind, body and soul.

In the end, I might lose some of you, and that’s a bummer. Many more of you might have questions, so feel free to leave them in the comments below, message me on FB, or shoot me a text/give me a call. I’m an open book, and I realize that this isn’t just about me, but about all you wonderful people who have chosen to have me in your life. While the outside might change, the inside will remain the same. I’ll still try to be that awesome person that I always strive to be. It’s just so wonderful to wake up every day and finally feel some internal peace and calm. And as the changes continue and the dysphoria if further stripped away, my smiles should become even more prevalent.

Here’s a short little video by SOSara that tackles ten of the myths of trans people:

10 Transgender Myths- MtF SOSara

Thank you for being in my life and for this new journey we can all go on together.